If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

Some suggestions for you :

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

When I meet a man I ask myself Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with.

I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.