The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.

Lisa Lampanelli

Lisa Lampanelli

Profession: Comedian
Nationality: American

Some suggestions for you :

I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more.

What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that.

I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions.

I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.

William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever.

I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.'

Don't laugh at a hair joke, Trump.

I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.

We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate.

Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.

By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat.

Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it.

I'm not saying the N word anymore.

It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes.