The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Some suggestions for you :

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

A smile is a curve that sets things right.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.