Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Some suggestions for you :

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel for false values.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Today, I give my daughter what I really didn't have as a kid: all the silly, dumb, extravagant, frilly, nonfunctional toys I can force on her. She probably wants an encyclopedia.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

When you are eight years old nothing is any of your business.

I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, 'How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?'

I don't have an act. I just talk. I'm just Lenny Bruce.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

If God made the body, and the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

All my humor is based on destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing in the bread line - right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.