There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Some suggestions for you :

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corset and watch her spread to death.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'