I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.

Some suggestions for you :

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

Shall I be car-ri-ed toe the skies, on flow'ry beds of ease, Whilst others fight to win the prize, and sail thro' blood-y.

God made the Sea of Galilee and its surroundings as they are. Is it the province of Mr. Grimes to improve upon the work?

Yes, King Edward VI lived only a few years, poor boy, but he lived them worthily.

Often the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

If you want me to give you a two-hour presentation, I am ready today. If you want only a five-minute speech, it will take me two weeks to prepare.

It is true, that which I have revealed to you; there is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream--a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought--a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities!

When a man's dog turns against him it is time for a wife to pack her trunk and go home to mama.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Jimmy Finn was not burned in the calaboose, but died a natural death in a tan vat, of a combination of delirium tremens and spontaneous combustion. When I say natural death, I mean it was a natural death for Jimmy Finn.

Travel is fatal to narrowmindedness, prejudice and bigotry.

Human pride is not worthwhile; there is always something lying in wait to take the wind out of it.

There are two types of people. People who have accomplished things and people who have claimed to accomplish things. The first group is less crowded.