The only weapon we have is comedy.
I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken.
When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering – these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love – these are what we stay alive for.
Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.
The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
If you're basically having Frosted Flakes, and you're older than ten years old and it's after ten o'clock in the morning… I'm gonna guess: weed may be involved.