My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.