Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.