Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.

Dave Barry

Dave Barry

Profession: Journalist
Nationality: American

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And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.