I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

Profession: Comedian
Nationality: American

Some suggestions for you :

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.