Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.