There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.