I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.