I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.