If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?