Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

George Carlin

George Carlin

Profession: Comedian
Nationality: American

Some suggestions for you :

Twat is twat and that is that.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.

The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

California is a small woman saying, 'Fuck me.' New York is a large man saying, 'Fuck you!

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

You can prick your finger ... Just don't finger your prick.

I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again.

In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.

Think off-center.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Did you ever eat a whole box of cookies right in a row? Did you ever do that? I don't mean take them into your bedroom or something. I mean open them right up in the kitchen as soon as you get home from the store and eat 'em while you're standing there? Just stare at the toaster while you're eatin' a whole goddamn box of cookies?