I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?