Man is fond of reckoning up his troubles, but does not count his joys.
Speak of a wolf and you see his tail!
Moreover, unready as you are, you don't need such a great martyr's cross. If you had killed father, I would regret that you rejected your cross. But you're innocent, and such a cross is too much for you.
And try letting yourself be carried away by your feelings, blindly, without reflection, without a primary cause, repelling consciousness at least for a time, hate or love, if only not to sit with your hands folded.
It would be interesting to know what it is men are most afraid of. Taking a new step, uttering a new word is what they fear most.
As a Russian proverb has it, 'Catch several hares and you won't catch one.