My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Some suggestions for you :

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

It is kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way.

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.