I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corset and watch her spread to death.

Some suggestions for you :

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.