By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Some suggestions for you :

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.