Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

Some suggestions for you :

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.

I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.

For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.