The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

Some suggestions for you :

The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.

For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.

Decency must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep.

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style.

In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis.

Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.

Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.

Manners are love in a cool climate.

Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh.

The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency.

The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as 'Soho' poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.