It is kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way.

Some suggestions for you :

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.