I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street.

Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. 'How are you' is a greeting, not a question.

Marriage: A friendship recognized by the police.

It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

Between friends, differences in taste or opinion are irritating in direct proportion to their triviality.

If your friend don't make fun of you, they're not really your friends.

Two people are never such good friends as when they share a mutual dislike of a third person.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are com

It is important for our friends to believe we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

A good friend will help you move. But a best friend will help you move a dead body.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too dark to read.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

You are what what you eat eats.

He was a bold man that first did eat oyster.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and he's a consultant.

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight'.

In Mexico, we have a word for sushi: bait.

The two biggest sellers in bookstores are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it.

Cucumber should be well sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.

Never eat more than you can lift.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Ham and eggs - a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen".

Only men who are not interested in women are interested in women's clothes. Men who like women never notice what they wear.

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when".

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despai

So soon as a fashion is Universal, it is out of date.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A woman's dress should be a like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.

Style is when they're running you out of town and you make it look like you're leading the parade.

Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts.