We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

I got married and we had a baby nine months and then seconds later.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.

If I ever had twins I would use one for parts.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your mid-section unprotected.

I have found the best way to give advice to children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid. He was dead, but my parents had me cremates and put his ashes in an Etch-a-Sketch.

It's funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful.

Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

There are only two things a child will share willingly, communicable diseases and his mother's age.

As the father of two young girls, I have come to realization that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50% glitter.

A three- year-old child is a being who almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

Children find everything in nothing ; men find nothing in everything.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.

If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.

Insanity is hereditary: you can get it from your children.

Like fruit , children are sweetest just before they turn bad.

The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them.

In America there are two classes of travel-first class, and with children.

Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

Adults are just obsolete children.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

A baby is nothing more than a  loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

I told my wife I don't want to be there at the birth. I don't see why my evening should be ruined too.

Children are like little angels - there's no way you can't love them.

Children didn't shield families from eviction: They exposed them to it.

Children who assume adult responsibilities feel old when they're young.

Children are our future, and God loves the children.

Children are not a burden.

Children are wonderful, and they add to my whole life.

Children are our most valuable resource.

Children have their own mind.

Children go where they find sincerity and authenticity.

Children change you. They really do.

Children should be allowed to be children and not be sold.

Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.

Children learn to read by being in the presence of books.

Children are no antidote to loneliness.

Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.

Children usually do not blame themselves for getting lost.

Children are the only form of immortality that we can be sure of.