His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It is clear the future holds opportunities—it also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to seize the opportunities, avoid the pitfalls, and get back home by 6:00.

Marriage is the death of hope.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

To be loved, certainly, is different from being admired, as one can be admired from afar but to really love someone it is essential to be in the same room with the person, crouching behind the drapes.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

The most expensive sex is free sex.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

What if nothing exists and were all in somebodys dream Or whats worse what if only that fat guy in the third row exists.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

Eternity is awful long time, especially towards the end.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Analysis has helped, but not as much as I've wanted. Years ago, I remember, I brought my clarinet into the repair shop, and the guy took two weeks and put new pads on and everything. When I went in, I said, 'Thank you, but am I going to sound better?' And he said, 'Yes, you will sound better, but not as much as you'd like to.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of eighty is left in a room with two eighteen-year-old cocktail waitresses nothing happens.

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

If you're not failing now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

The world may or may not be with our purpose. But its not totally without some kind of magic.

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

Ninety percent of success is showing up.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Marshall McLuhan predicted books would become art objects at some point. He was right.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

It's cruel to bring life into this terrible world.

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.