The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials.

Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.

Plans get you into things but you've got to work your way out.

Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.

Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.

One revolution is like one cocktail, it just gets you organized for the next.

The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.

Successful colleges will start laying plans for a new stadium; unsuccessful ones will start hunting a new coach.

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.

The problem ain't what people know. It's what people know that ain't so that's the problem.

A king can stand people fighting but he can't last long if people start thinking.

In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.

Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.

This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

It's not what we don't know that hurts. It's what we know that ain't so.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.

The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.

Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The more you read about politics, the more you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

Even if you are on the right track, but just sit there, you will still get run over.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

If any of us had a child that we thought was as bad as we know we are we would have cause to start to worry.

It's almost been worth this depression to find out how little our big men know.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.