I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

Everybody has to believe in something… I believe I'll have another drink.

When I tell you to go out and tell one of these palookas that I'm out, go out and tell 'em I'm out. Don't have these buzzards walk in on me. When I don't wanna see 'em I don't...don't look at me that way.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Ain't fit for man nor beast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

Come my flocks, my flower. I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas I'd like to discuss with thee.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Never give a sucker an even break.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I like children - fried.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Hi tooti-pie. Everything under control?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.