There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.

You could learn all you need to know about human males from one miserable specimen.

What sort of person," said Salzella patiently, "sits down and writes a maniacal laugh? And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head. Opera can do that to a man.

Victor drew himself up to his full height. There are some Things, he said, that a man has to do by himself. She gave him a look of irritated incomprehension. What? What? Do you want to go to the lavatory or something? Just get out!

Here is the blackness of space, the myriad stars gleaming like diamond dust or, as some people would say, like great balls of exploding hydrogen a very long way off. But then, some people would say anything. A.

One day it's the ringing of the bells and the casting down of the evil tyrant, and the next it's everyone sitting around complaining that ever since the tyrant was overthrown no one's been taking out the trash.

The result would have been called primitive even by people who were too primitive to have a word yet for ‘primitive'.

If music were the food of love, she was game for a sonata and chips at any time.

The public is not interested in news in the public interest.

He made a noise like an owl. Since Moist was no ornithologist, he did this by saying woo woo.

Some people believe that when you die, you cross the River of Death and have to pay the ferryman. People don't seem to worry about that these days. Perhaps there's a bridge now.

The real world was far too real to leave neat little hints. It was full of too many things. It wasn't by eliminating the impossible that you got at the truth, however improbable; it was by the much harder process of eliminating the possibilities.

In the same way that the really rich can never be mad (they're eccentric), so they can also never be rude (they're outspoken and forthright).

And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions.

A real alchemical laboratory should be full of the kind of glassware that looked as if it were produced during the Guild of Glassblowers All-Comers Hiccuping Contest.

We've always been privileged, you see. Privilege just means ‘private law.' That's exactly what it means. He just doesn't believe the ordinary laws apply to him. He really believes they can't touch him, and that if they do he can just shout until they go away. That's the de Worde tradition, and we're good at it. Shout.

Well, I wish I'd get out of my head, it's quite crowded enough with me in here.

People were strange like that. Steal five dollars and you were a petty thief. Steal thousands of dollars and you were either a government or a hero.

Nobby had survived any number of famous massacres by not being there.

A Duke couldn't have the arse hanging out of his trousers when meeting foreign diplomats. Actually even plain old Sam Vimes never had the arse hanging out of his trousers, either, but no one would have actually started a war if he had.

The figure stopped to cough long and hard, making a noise like a wall being hit repeatedly with a bag of rocks. Moist saw that it had a beard of the short bristled type that suggested that its owner had been interrupted halfway through eating a hedgehog.

I'm trying to have a moment o' existential dreed here, right? Crivens, it's a puir lookout if a man canna feel the chilly winds o' fate lashing aroound his netheres wi'out folks telling him he's deid, eh?

It is very easy to get ridiculously confused about the tenses of time travel, but most things can be resolved by a sufficiently large ego.

Tiffany had wondered how Granny and Mrs. Proust would get on, given that both of them were as proud as a cat full of sixpences.

It's all bloody lies about the sea. It's just all yuk with lobsters in it.

What’re you doing in Ankh-Morpork territorial waters, you camel-eating devil?

I kill in my own time, he said. In any case, killing unconscious people isn't right.

When you break rules, break 'em good and hard.

Corporal Nobbs, he rasped, why are you kicking people when they're down? Safest way, sir, said Nobby. Nobby had long ago been told about fighting fair and not striking a fallen opponent, and had then given some creative thought to how these rules applied to someone four feet tall with the muscle tone of an elastic band.

Nevertheless, he picked up a piece of smashed chair. It had splintered nicely. And the nice thing about a stake through the heart was that it also worked on non-vampires.

Tiffany opened her mouth to reply before she had any idea what she was going to say, but that is not unusual among human beings.

Still bemused, Marjorie said, ‘Yes, Jimmy Choos – not exactly librarian footwear, but it scares the daylights out of the city councillors when it comes to the budget.' Glenda.

Truly stupid wizards have the life expectancy of a glass hammer.

I, after hearing evidence from a number of experts, including Mrs Slipdry the midwife, certify that the balance of probability is that the bearer of this document, C. W. St John Nobbs, is a human being. Signed, Lord Vetinari.

It's a fact of life that everyone is on one side or other of a wall, so the only thing to do is forget about it.

Knowledge is dangerous, which is why governments often clamp down on people who can think thoughts above a certain caliber.

Any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was also bright enough to realize that if there was any power in demonology, then it lay with the demons. Using it for your own purposes would be like trying to beat mice to death with a rattlesnake.

We're really good at it, Teppic thought. Mere animals couldn't possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid.

There was a flash of lightning, followed almost immediately by a rumble of distant thunder. Madame Tracy felt rather proud, as if she had done it herself. It was even better than the candles at creating ambulance. Ambulance was what mediuming was all about.

In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

The gods," he said. "Imprisoned in a thought. And perhaps they were never more than a dream.

Suddenly there was a humming in the air, and the bees were there too. They flowed out of Granny Weatherwax's hive, circling Tiffany like a halo, crowning her, and swarm and girl stood on the threshold of the cottage and Tiffany reached out her arms and the bees settled along them, and welcomed her home.

But I think you have a right to know what it is you're not being told.

I know three people who have got better after a brain tumour. I haven't heard of anyone who's got better from Alzheimer's.

They carried sticks and wore white clothes with bells on them, to stop them creeping up on people. No one likes an unexpected Morris dancer.

He'd have liked to believe in a supreme God, although he'd have preferred a half-hour's chat with Him before committing himself, to clear up one or two points.

IT IS SAID THAT THE DEVIL HAS ALL THE BEST TUNES. This is broadly true. But Heaven has the best choreographers.

After all, people seemed quite easy about having their rights and liberties taken away by those they looked up to, but somehow a space on the perch was a slap in the face, and treated as such.

There's nothing more useless in the world than a groom just before the wedding.