First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

Theories, for me, are just about freeing your mind. It doesn't mean the theory is going to work like a scientific theory works. It's about freeing your mind and making you think a different way.

I don't think anyone is ever writing so that you can throw it away. You're always writing it to be something. Later, you decide whether it'll ever see the light of day. But at the moment of its writing, it's always meant to be something. So, to me, there's no practicing; there's only editing and publishing or not publishing.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

Next phase of weight loss program: Brazilian Butt Workout. I've looked at a hundred photos. So far, not working.

Mirabelle, who never takes credit for her attractiveness, believes it is not she he is responding to, but rather something independent of her.

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

But my mother was aglow. She had a continuing fascination with celebrities, and now she had one of her own. She was never moved by what I was doing (in an interview she said, "He writes his own material, I'm always telling him he needs a new writer")...

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

I have found that-- just as in real life--imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

When I was in college, I really liked poetry. I don't read much anymore.

I think when I was young, let's call it high school, and even before that, I just loved comedy, and I loved comedians. I grew up watching Laurel and Hardy. That's really a long time ago. I loved Jerry Lewis. I just loved comedians.

They told me to just "act like myself." When I said, "How do I do that?" they said to just have fun with it, but I'm not sure what they meant.

A triangle with four points is what Euclid rides into hell.

I loved doing 'Pennies from Heaven.' Because you have to understand that I'd been doing comedy for 15 to 20 years, and suddenly along came the opportunity to do this beautiful film. It was so emotional to me. I loved it. I don't think it was a good career move, but I have no regrets about doing it.

It's a mystery to me the way that contemporary art galleries function.

You're nuts, but you're welcome here.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

I just wanted to be in show business. I didn't care if I was going to be an actor or a magician or what. Comedy was a point of the least resistance, really. And on the simplest level, I loved comedy.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible.

Because here I was having a life, even though it was a pastiche of elements of the life of someone else.

She didn't even finish her last sentence; it just trailed off. I think the subject had changed in her head while her mouth had continued on the old topic, not realizing it was out of supplies.

These experiences have caused him to think very hard about what he is doing and where he is going. And the result of all this thinking is that he now understands that he doesn't know what he is doing or where he is going.

I first thought maybe I'd do a banjo presentation record, where I'd play a couple of songs and get a bunch of other players to do the rest. Then I realized I had enough of my own songs to do an album of them.

I've run into people in my life who were so dramatic; people who are so extreme and so frustrating to be around that you end up thinking about them and talking about them for literally years after your experience with them is over. I've had that happen to me, and I've seen it happen to other people. I find it fascinating.

Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

The woman speaks, stops, then after what must have been a long speech by the person on the other end of the line, says, "... just remember, darling, it is pain that changes our lives." Mirabelle cannot fathom the meaning of this sentence, as she has been in pain her whole life, and yet it remains unchanged.

Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

She knows that she needs new friends but introductions are hard to come by when your natural state is shyness.

I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth.

To Mirabelle, the idea of being an object of obsession is alluring and represents a powerful love. She fails to understand, however, that men become obsessive over beautiful women because they want no one else to have them, but they fall in love with women like Mirabelle because they want a certain, specific part of them.

My plan was to walk by on my side of the street and not look over her way. This, I felt, was a very clever masculine move: to meet and ultimately seduce through no contact at all. She would be made aware of me as a mysterious figure, someone with no need of her whatsoever. This is compelling to a woman.

One day I was particularly gloomy, and Jim asked me what the matter was. I told him my high school girlfriend (for all of two weeks) had broken up with me. He said, Oh, that'll happen a lot. The knowledge that this horrid grief was simply a part of life's routine cheered me up almost instantly.

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

So, while fitting in, she was like a wicked detail standing out against a placid background.

Finally, we do become wise, but then it's too late.

So she viewed time spent in the land of the normal as an investigation into the world of marriage-worthy men, even if she was unsure about her own interest in marriage. There must be one solid citizen who also had a spark of life, a sense of humor and adventure.

It's pain that changes our lives.

Be so good they can't ignore you.

It's so beautiful where I am today that it makes me wonder where I am.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I'm enamored with the art world. Anytime you look at anything that's considered artistic, there's a commercial world around it: the ballet, opera, any kind of music. It can't exist without it.

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats... or skinny.