The difference between keeping things clean and keeping kids clean was that things just sat still and waited for the dirt to collect. We kids were carriers. We ran a pickup and delivery service.

It's simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.
Times don't change. Men do.

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.

When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

Brothers are children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

Our parents set the moral tone of the family. They expected more of some of us and less of others, but never less than they thought we were capable of.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.

Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!

We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.

It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn't consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.

Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.