People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.

People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.

I don't do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil's show. He's a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn't give me any advice. He doesn't give solicited advice.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.

Let's face it: a lot of my material comes from the stuff that happens to me on the road.

I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

I've been offered starring roles in horrible movies, but I just didn't want to do it. I don't see why you would.

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

Comedy is great because there's no overhead.

There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.

The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.

Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.

Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.

I write all of my material. It's all me.

There's no such thing as a hit joke.

I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.

My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.

If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.

There's no idea or concept in comedy you could do that hasn't been attacked from some angle. But if you start leaving punchlines out so you'll look cool, I don't get that. But I don't watch standup anyway, so I don't know what they're doing.

TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.

I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.

I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I've always done. That's really where my best stuff comes from. I don't know how it happens. It just happens.

Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. It just takes a little effort.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!