One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
Marriage…it's not a word, it's a sentence.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
What a doctor I've got—he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.
You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn't met me yet.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
