A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your mid-section unprotected.

Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

President Ford used humor a great deal.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

To err is human — and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Quit worrying about your health. Itll go away.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.