My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
It is kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.
Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.
I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
When I meet a man I ask myself Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with.
I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
Before I met my husband Id never fallen in love though Id stepped in it a few times.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
My mother buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
