I remember I did the movie 'Eulogy,' and there was a dramatic moment in it. It was pretty heavy, and I went for it. It was... I didn't feel that comfortable doing it.
I can't complain about my career, that's for sure.
My favorite band - and Bobby Cannavale and Terry Winter have already made fun of me for this - is Chicago.
Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.
I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.
If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.
It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.
As successful as it may appear I am, I don't really feel that. It's like, you know you've achieved some level of success, and you know what you've done, and yet you still feel you have more to do and more to prove.
The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.
I'm a little different from the average dude because I'm on high-def TV now.
I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.
I do still get intimidated by certain things.
I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.
I don't watch 'Mad Men.'
I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.
The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.
I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.
I like a good cry - it's cathartic; it's a release. But I've never been able to be so free to do that on camera the way some actors can.
I'm aging, and the world is seeing it.
You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.
You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.
You're only as good as your last joke, your last show, your last whatever. The confidence is there, but underneath, there is always insecurity.
I have this mistress: show business.
I realized I need to work. I need to be creative. As much as I have angst and anxiety, when I'm idle, it's even more. I have to keep moving. Otherwise, I catch up with myself.
In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.
Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.
The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.
I'm from New York.
I was wracked with insecurity.
I still do standup.
I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means. I shoot 90 to a hundred or, once in a while, 85.
Anna would be just as happy with me if I were a plumber. As a matter of fact, when she married me, I was working at a bank and living at home. I didn't move out until I was 29!
My hair was long - in my high school year book, I looked like an ugly David Cassidy.
Every backstory involves my father. I remember hearing Gary Oldman talking about backstories and saying, 'I got to stop using my father...' And I feel the same way. I don't know. What I come up with always involves some element of this son trying to prove himself to his father.
I go to Hooters for lunch every day. Then for coffee.
If I had never gotten famous or rich, I think I'd be equally neurotic.
If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.
My career has been my craziest adventure.
Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.
When I started out, Jay Leno used to say you're not as good as you think you can be until at least your sixth year. I was like, what the hell is he talking about? 'Cause I was in my third year, and I thought, 'I got this.' I kept videos of myself performing, and in my fifth year I watched my third year and realized he couldn't have been more right.
I have some classes in accounting, but I don't know anything about accounting. I - you know, when my accountant tells me all the things he does, it's a foreign language to me.
I love standup and I haven't given it up.
I live in L.A. Now.
I do what I do because I love it.
When you're in the living room every week for nine years as one character, it's hard for some people to see you as someone else.
My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.
I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.
