Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom.
Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps.
The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.
Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.
There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
Abatement in the hostility of one's enemies must never be thought to signify they have been won over. It only means that one has ceased to constitute a threat.
Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin.
In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis.
There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.
However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police.
Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.
It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style.
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
Living en famille provides the strongest motives for rudeness combined with the maximum opportunity for displaying it.