I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corset and watch her spread to death.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

A smile is a curve that sets things right.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.