I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

So little time and so little to do.

Once Dwight Eisenhower makes up his mind, he's full of indecision.

Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath.

I think a lot of Bernstein - but not as much as he does.

Ballet is the faeries' baseball.

I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.

I don't drink. I don't like it. It makes me feel good.

It'd be nice to please everyone but I thought it would be more interesting to have a point of view.

I am no more humble than my talents require.

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

I'm controversial. My friends either dislike me or hate me.

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.

In some situations I was difficult, in odd moments impossible, in rare moments loathsome, but at my best unapproachably great.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.

I've changed, I'm nice to people and I'm not so self-centered. What I'm trying to do now is think of the other person. The only trouble is, I've found that the other person thinks only of himself.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

I've given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

First I brush my teeth and then I sharpen my tongue.

I once said cynically of a politician Hell doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.

I have no trouble with my enemies. But my goddam friends… they are the ones that keep me walking the floor nights.

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.

It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts.

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.