I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.