I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

It opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.