I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.'
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.
When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.
Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go “Uh, I'm kind of an asshole”.
I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.
I love comedians. They're my community.
I like all ladies of all different ages.
I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.
I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?
Perception is created and twisted so quickly.
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'
Here's how my brain works: it's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.
I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.
There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up.
There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars.
Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.
I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.
When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'
It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.
People don't talk to me on airplanes.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'
It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.
Life is full of horrible mistakes.
Fuck it… That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not “we love each other”, it's just “fuck it, man.
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.
The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.
Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.
I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.
A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'
I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'
People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.
