I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems.

I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak.

I just really work hard on myself every day.

I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don't let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board.

I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger.

I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes.

Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better.

I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines.

Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody.

Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it.

I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago.

None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.

In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him.

I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator.

I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.

We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate.

I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook.

Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong.

I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more.

By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat.

When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.

I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there.

If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him.

Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle.

When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody.

I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.'

I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do.

I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.

I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home.

I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight.

Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire.

I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions.

I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever.

I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now.

William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever.

Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine.

You have to really be on your own side.

Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I'm definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don't have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more.

I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know.

I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too.

I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.

What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes.

The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.

Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts.

I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets.

Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current.

What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that.

Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show.

Don't laugh at a hair joke, Trump.