For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.
I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.
Political audiences are not fun.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'
Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.
People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.
The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.
When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.
I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.
I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.
Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.
My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.
The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.
Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.
I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.
One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.
Usually I'm too tired to apologize.
If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.
It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.
What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.
In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks.
I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.
I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.
I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.
There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.
One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.
When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.
