I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel for false values.

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

All my humor is based on destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing in the bread line - right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

Today, I give my daughter what I really didn't have as a kid: all the silly, dumb, extravagant, frilly, nonfunctional toys I can force on her. She probably wants an encyclopedia.

I don't read enough books, so I guess I'm pretty shallow. I'm a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

If God made the body, and the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

I don't have an act. I just talk. I'm just Lenny Bruce.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

Communism is like one big phone company.

When you are eight years old nothing is any of your business.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

The whole motivation for any performer is Look at me Ma.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, 'How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?'

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

There are never enough I Love You's.