I am not honest.

If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.

There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

I can't stand reading anything that I've said.

I believe in something.

At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

I don't like to make a big splash anyway.

You write about what you know.

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.

Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'

If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?

I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.

My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.

It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.

There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.

I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.

I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.

There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there's your diamond in the rough.

I don't like people cleaning my room.

I have reservations about everything I do.

I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.