I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.
Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.