When you get a question like, 'Did you like meeting Her Majesty?' 'No, I thought she was a slob.' I mean, what are you going to say... The mischief comes into me when I'm doing a Q&A, I'm 9 years old again. I don't get mad. I do get offended.

What happens at 90 is that I don't walk so good, my eyes are going, I can't hear well, and I'm getting all of the 90s residuals.

Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!

I'm always thinking about future projects and at the same time trying to finish the project you're in the middle off.

Going unnoticed has never been my strong suit.

You can ask me anything you want. That doesn't mean I'm going to answer you.

I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

I dream in color.

Postwar America was a very buttoned-up nation. Radio shows were run by censors, Presidents wore hats, ladies wore girdles. We came straight out of the blue - nobody was expecting anything like Martin and Lewis. A sexy guy and a monkey is how some people saw us.

My dad was a stickler for teaching me the pratfall. There is something magical about taking a good fall, and when it works, when you get that laugh, there's no better feeling in the world.

I never stop working.

I tell young comics, 'Do you want this badly enough? It's there. But you have to go get it. And if you think I'm going to give you the key to the lock of that door, there is no key, there is no lock, and there is no door.'

That never stops. That's what drives you: the joy and excitement of doing what you love.

From 1936 on, I have taken more falls than any other 20 comedians put together. From the time I was 21, I've taken them on everything from clay courts to cement to wood floors, coming off pianos, going out a two-story window, landing on Dean, falling into the rough. You do that and you're gonna have problems.

If I was performing, I had no pain. But you can't stay on stage 24 hours a day.

I can't stand to ask anyone, 'How was that?'

I will not say anything negative about the president of the United States. I don't do that. And I don't allow my children to do that.

When I get an idea, I start to write like I was electrically motivated.

Adrenaline is wonderful. It covers pain. It covers dementia. It covers everything.

I think so much in time. I always have. Even at 20, I thought in terms of time, that I don't have a lot of time left. And I want to do so many things.

My Judaism has always been a great pride with me.

I believe when you go out there, you have a responsibility to deliver. I have old-fashioned thinking when I'm out there.

You think about getting old, but when you get there, it's not what you thought it would be.

I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already.

When you're doing a different kind of film, you have to bring a different kind of attitude; you have to bring a different kind of concentration.

I have always said that I cannot allow the child within me to die. It's kept me alive.

The film I did with Bobby De Niro, 'The King of Comedy' - an awful lot came to me out of that movie because De Niro never allowed me any room to be crazy. If I had tried to play it the way I would normally play it and get hysterical, Bobby would punch me.

It'll keep you alive for another 10 years if you get yourself a laugh once a day: either provoke it, or look around in the wildest laboratory in the world, the public.

God hadn't made me handsome, but he'd given me something, I always felt: funny bones.

I got the 'Max Rose' script, and I fell in love with it. It just hit me. It was something that needed to be made.

I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can't get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That's in friendship, that's a deal, that's a commitment. Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.

A lot of people resent that I've been in someone's life for 50 years. Why shouldn't people have an affection for me and what I've done? Didn't I have to be genuine for them to buy into what I did? There are children who grow up today who will not have that when they're 55 years old. With whom will they have it? Name an example for me.

I was once six feet tall, but at 85, I'm now five feet four.

I say to everybody, love is what wakes you up in the morning, love is what makes you walk, and love is what makes you hope.

Commercial television has underestimated the intelligence of the public.

I don't like any female comedians.

Billy Crystal, Steve Martin do wonderful things.

I will do whatever is necessary to make better the stupidity on my part - and therefore go after those who are acting stupid themselves. It's not popular. You don't make friends when you do that. And I couldn't care less.

I go where the action is.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

I've never been more than 9 years old.

The beauty of love, as far as I'm concerned, is it makes you better. It makes you stronger. It gives you direction. It gives you understanding of what life is and what we've been given.

Turning 90 is not for sissies.

I'm really, basically, nine, and I've always been that. I've never, ever allowed the child within me to die.

Most performers are used to the highs and the lows. If you can let a low stop you, that would be a sad commentary.

The young man who's had the Guggenheim fortune behind him all his life - he can hire all the authorities on the subject to teach him how to do a monologue, but he's never going to have the right stuff to pull it off. If he doesn't walk out onstage needing to walk out there, he doesn't have a dream of doing well.

For a comic to put a public performance in jeopardy for a snickering little laugh - no, no, no, I don't believe in it.

I've had great success being a total idiot.

I need the applause.